In all things, human beings engage in patterns and routines. That goes for our days, weeks and years as well as how we do things such as exercise, eating, our bedtime and morning routine, managing our work schedule and so much more. Even our sex lives can fall into a routine if we aren’t careful. In other areas of life, superior systems are good. They keep us in line, doing what we need to do when we need to do it. We find the most effective and efficient way of doing something and we stick to it. But for sex, this is the opposite of what the heart and indeed the loins want. Instead, sex should be a sort of play. It’s also a journey of self-discovery. Nowhere do we encounter different sides of ourselves and our partner than in the bedroom. But it’s also a performance that we get sucked into. When having sex regularly with someone things start to become routine. It can get boring. The self-exploration ends. There’s no more novelty, mystery or play. Though many couples decry this occurrence, and it seems to happen to all couples sooner or later, really this isn’t a downer but an opportunity.


Now is the time to find out more about yourself and your partner. Once we feel comfortable enough, we can start exploring our own sexual fantasies with someone we know well, care about and trust. When we get to reveal desires and fantasies we’ve been harboring for a long time, perhaps that we haven’t even been able to reveal altogether to ourselves, we show even greater vulnerability to our partner. But if we are accepted for who we are, and even better if they are ready and willing to engage and fulfill the fantasy, we not only gain the novelty we crave but experience a deeper and closer form of intimacy. They have now seen a perhaps less socially acceptable side of us and have accepted it. Here’s the self-discovery part. Where does it stem from? What does it mean? Instead of shirking away, our partner has encouraged and fulfilled us. But one must be ready and willing to do the same for their partner. So in exploring we must build a space of non-judgment. That doesn’t mean we have to fulfill every fantasy our partner has. But it’s crucial to build an atmosphere in the boudoir where each person feels comfortable enough to open up about their inner desires free of judgment or ridicule.


Lovers should make decisions that serve them. They need to communicate their wants and needs. Some believe that their partner can practice telepathy. But that’s simply untrue. Many times other concerns get in the way. Body image issues, fear of abandonment or judgement from our partner holds us back.  We need to be comfortable and right with ourselves if we ever want the chance of fulfilling our innermost desires. That means coming to terms with and even liking our body. Buy some new, sexy clothes that you feel good in. Ask your lover what they think about your body and absorb the compliments, using them as a touchstone for self-assurance later on. Find other ways to learn to love yourself.

“No” may not mean never” comes from a common role playing technique. Many women and men feel uncomfortable expressing their sexuality or what they want. Instead, they say no during sexual play when they really mean yes or maybe. But couples in this situation must communicate clearly, know when no means yes or maybe, have a safety word and act accordingly. But one should feel safe to say no during sex if it turns them off and have a partner who understands and responds properly. There are lots of other ways to test sexual boundaries. First, decide together that you would like to reinvigorate your sex life. Next, have a sexy date night with wine, candles and soft music. Talk about what your fantasies are, maybe even make a separate list and then compare them. Set up the ground rules. How far is too far for you? Of course, part of exploring boundaries is seeing where they are. You may say something. But in the heat of the moment go farther than you ever thought you might. You’ve learned about yourself and can gain confidence from the experience. Would you try having sex outdoors for instance? What about videotaping yourselves? Does one or both of you have a rape fantasy? Would you consider including another person in your play? How so? Of what gender? In what capacity? What are some of the role play fantasies you’ve been considering? Be sure to use established rules so that no one is truly violated and always practice safe play. Adding a little more mystery and a twinge of danger to your sex life can be so exhilarating. Having a deeply buried fantasy fulfilled by your partner, that you thought was unfulfillable, can really reinvigorate not only your relationship but your entire life.